My friend posted this earlier this week on a forum i frequent, i thought it was pretty funny so im letting you guys check it out.



I found this hilarious:

Last monday night I witnessed one of the most sobering scenes I've unwillingly bore witness to in my life. Two grown men fighting. Well when I say grown men, I use the term loosely. Very very loosely.

I know "Bob" (Name changed because... its just too pathetic to let his identity be known) through a circle of friends I've known since I started college. First off, Bob is a fucking asshole. We only tolerate his prescence because, well, we don't really know why. Bob is the trash talker. A wannabe bigballer. Poser extraordinaire. He loves to show off and rub shit in people's faces. The fucker doesn't shut up. He's hilarious and all, but even between friends he's known to go a little too far. And he did just that, on the internet of all places. And last monday night, somehow, the internet finally caught up to him.

Let's set the stage for this title fight.
In this corner, we have Bob. He's average height, about 5'10", weighing in at a tolerable 140lbs. Bob is a regular at the local LA Fitness and is in very good shape, a fact that he likes to show the world through his all-too-tight designer shirts. Supposedly (according to the legend himself) Bob has been in countless fights while in high school and was at one time a hardcore gangbanger who toned his skills on the mean streets of... Bakersfield, California. Banging bitches and busting heads and killing cows and shit in the merciless agricultural ghetto paradise. His pasttimes include, but are not limited to, racing his "fixed up" integra on professional circuits, hitting on your friends' girlfriends, high class dining and clubbing, and part time internet tough guy on a WoW guild.
In the other corner we have his nemesis, Steve. A towering 6'3"(approx) but a pathetic 150lbs for the frame. I don't know much about Steve, except for the fact that he is partial to wrestling moves, likes to scream sound effects (a-la Batman Comic) to accompany his attacks, and has a level 60 elf druid.

Apparently Bob has offended Steve and his honor by besmirching his good name all over the WoW kingdom. Some internet drama followed with Bob stealing some valuable item from Steve and kicking him out of the guild. They exchanged rather harsh words over the course of a few weeks with death threats and references to the sexual preferences of their mothers and pets. Now if this was any other typical internet bullshit, it would have ended there. BUT the guild was for a local community college where the members knew each other rather well. So Steve and Bob knew each other in person. And so we come to last night, when Steve and Bob finally faced each other in the empty parkinglot, bloodlust in their eyes, ready to cast a level 5 asskicking spell.

Bob, myself, and six other individuals had just walked out of the Denny's. It was 2am. An eerie calm surrounded our little group as we hung out in a nearby parkinglot, ready to go home. Being monday night there wasn't anyone else around. Just then, rounding the corner and heading into the parking lot, we saw a convoy of three cars. We could feel the air tense up as they parked on the other side of the parking lot and started to lumber across the street to the Denny's. Probably ten of them. Some rather young, probably still in high school, with stern gazes. Uh oh. Lan party ghouls. This is trouble. Not being one to miss a chance to make fun of strangers, Bob made some crack about the losers, which some of them heard clearly. The group stopped, turned around and headed right for us. One of them got right into Bob's face and started things off.

"Fuck you Bob! You piece of shit!"

"Fuck you Steve! You're the piece of shit!"

And so on in an more and more pathetic manner. The two started to square off trying to look as menacing as possible and getting within an inch of actually kissing each other.

"You think you're fucking hard, with your little crew?" I actually took some offense to this. I am not his fucking crew and I'll be damned if I let some Lan geek look down on me. Me and a few of my friends said "What the fuck did you just say?"

Steve back peddaled, "I'm just saying, this is between me and Bob. I dont have anything against you guys."

Bob says, "Fuck you faggot. I ain't pussy like you. I dont need them to help me kick your fucking ass, I can take you with both your mom and your sister sucking on my cock. (To us) Hey yo, I'm about to bust this punk's ass, y'all dont help me, (To them) and your faggot friends keep out of it too."

"Fuck you, you little bitch! I dont need their help. I'm gonna fuck you up fair, you'd better fuck off!" Steve shouts right back.

"Fuck you faggot! What the fuck are you gonna do?" Bob shouts, and throws his hands up into the crane style, his hands mimicing holding very very small guns and pointing them at odd angles down at Steve.

"Don't fucking push me fucker! You do NOT want to start shit with me! I'll fucking kill you!" Steve shouted right back at Bob, leaning slightly back and holding his hands out in a "come on fool~" manner.

At this point Bob, probably reassured by the fact that Bob was a pretty fit guy who looked like he can fight, and the rest of us who were bigger than the other kids, drummed up some bravado, and shoved Steve. He shoved him like you would if you're about to fight someone in grade school. One of us laughed, it just looked so awkward.

Steve, at first taken back by the sudden physical contact, came right back and tried to shove Bob, but unfortunately only managed to get Bob's outstretched hands, starting an awkward pushing and shoving of the hands. Skinny fucking pale ass hands and arms flailed about in the air.

"Get the fuck out of my face! I'm getting fucking pissed! You don't want to get me pissed motherfucker, I'm crazy!" Not two seconds after giving this *laugh* warning, Steve got pissed. Steve, all 6'3" of him, with his superior reach, drew back his right arm all the way and threw a huge stiff-arm right hook and connected with Bob's left forearm and the side of his face. NOT by the knuckles as a proper punch should go, but with the palm side, like a closed fist slap. As if to throw insult to injury to Bob for getting nailed with such a pathetic swing, at the time of connection Steve screamed out "UUMMPTH!!!" Followed by a "THWACK!" which sounded sort of like those cheesy sound effects from old kung-fu movies.

And then shit started to get weird.

Bob staggered back from the punch. He looked pale almost, a blank expression on his face like 'holy shit I just got punched in the side of face... kinda' look. Steve hung back after the first hit, and got into a defiant stance, with his chin up in the air, looking down his nose at Bob, as if to say 'yeah bitch, I just hit you. I hit you good. I told you I was crazy.' And Bob just lost it. His face deformed into a half scowl/crying and charged at Steve with both arms in front of him. Bob was a fucking hurricane of girlish swings. Windmills, straight jabs (like a rock-em-sock-em robot), and short kicks. Steve instictively closed his eyes, drew his chin in and started to flail wildly right back at Bob. It was the saddest thing I've seen, and I've once seen a homeless man run naked across the street to hide himself behind his cart, after having been walked in on while taking a shower with a water fountain.

Imagine two school girls fighting over a cupcake. Now replace the two school girls with two fully grown men. But keep the dresses, cuz these fags where fighting like bitches. First there's Bob, screaming like a pig at the slaughter, flailing his arms about like a possessed puppet. His stance was low and his legs buckling underneath him. But he thrust his chest out, his groin in, and his face turned to the right and way way back away from the fray, but his eyes kept on target. Steve on the other hand, fought back in similar style, but interjected with "UMMPTH!" "HUA!" "OOOF!" "SMACK!" "POOF!" "POW!"and "HUH!" with every blow. I thought he might bust out a super-saiyan with an extended "HURRRR! HAAA!!!"

Every few blows, their arms would get entangled and Steve would try a half-assed wrestling move, mainingly wrapping his arms around Bob in a lover's embrace and trying push/flip him onto the ground. It never really worked and they just ended up grunting and rocking back and forth. And the kicks. Oh god the kicks. I dont know what they were aiming for. But each took turns doing some fantastically over the top move but ended up getting their feets up only about waist high. Steve tried some roundhouse kick but ended up falling on his ass. I'll give him credit for getting back up quick though. What I will not give him credit for however is getting back up, and then immediately launching himself in the air, bringing his hand down on Bob's head, hammer style. It connected only because Bob is at this point in an awkward position, looking up at the fist and at the same time crouching down into the ground like he was gonna pick up a penny. After getting nailed in the side of the head and arms, Bob shot up into Steve and landed some blows to the neck and face. Steve went for another headlock but Bob managed to keep his left arm in the lock and with his free right hand went to work on the body. Not in cool kidney pounding way, but sorta in a 'get off me you big oaf!' dandy way by pivoting with his arm locked to his side and only moving the elbow. It is hard to describe the faggotry.

Our two groups watched this in horror, not because it was a fight but because it was like a car wreck in slow motion. Then one of my friends jumped in and pushed Steve back. Steve staggered back as if someone had landed a flying kick to his face, even though he was merely pushes aside. Bob hung onto my friend's arms as if he was being held back, but it was so painfully obvious that Bob was hiding behind him. My friend wasn't jumping in to help, he just stopped the fight, it was only getting uglier. But of course, at this point everybody got into the fray and started pushing each other as Steve and Bob were pulled apart.

There was some threats and some name calling from the two groups as we backed off our seperate ways. Their group headed back to Denny's circling around Steve, and our group to our cars, Bob RUNNING to the car. Fucking running.

As we drove away, (me in the passenger seat, our brave Bob in the back), I heard sobbing coming from the backseats. Bob was crying. Snot coming out of his nose and eyes all puffed up. He started to mumble, while choking back his tears and sobs "*hurk* *sob* What *sniff* the *snort* fuck?!"

I didn't say shit to him, but the driver did. "You ok Bob?"

"*sniff* Why didn't you fucking help? *choke*"

"The fuck? You said not to help you asshole. Its not like anyone got hurt. Besides, nobody on their side helped him either, it would have been fucked up to jump that skinny bitch."

"But we're friends!"

To which neither of us replied.

Bob resumed crying in the back, trying to put his hair back in place and fretting over the torn shirt. There was no blood on him. Neither of them had enough strength to inflict any open wounds. Not even a torn lip. Just tossed hair, some smudges, a torn shirt and a few bruises. It looked more like Bob had fallen out of bed, but to hear him cry and moan and bitch, you'd have assumed that Bob had just been beaten down by an army platoon.

A little worried, my friend says to Bob "Hey, you ok? Dont worry about that shit, you didn't get hurt. Stop crying."

"*hurr*cry* Yeah, I'm ok I think. I fucked him up good."

I almost swallowed my tongue trying not to laugh out loud.

"Fucking faggot isn't gonna be around anymore after tonight. I fucked that bitch up."

He kept repeating this shitty propaganda as if looking for affirmation. We were like, "yeah, whatever Bob. Stop fucking crying."

We didn't say much else to him. Just tried to cheer him up a bit and dropped him off at his house.

Reflecting back on the incident. I was amazed at how reality shattered Bob's perception of himself. He had always talked big about how if he was in a fight, it'd be "fucking awesome" since he is skilled. And I have to admit, when I think about grown men fighting, I had pictured something similar to what happens in the movies and on tv. Two men exchanging blows and looking good at the same time. But now I'm guessing that the reality of most fights in real life would be more or less what I saw on monday night.

I haven't been in a fight myself since high school. I hope that if I'm ever in a fight again, it doesn't turn into the embarassing like Bob vs Steve. I'd much rather get my ass beat than humiliate myself like that.