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Forums / Jokes, Jokes, Jokes

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*yawn*.

It's 3 o' clock in the morning... so sue me if I'm too tired to fully realize why I'm posting this topic.


Any good jokes out there?

I've been in need of a good joke. Considering the fact that I haven't laughed really hard since the release of Unlimited Saga, can anyone throw a good story with a zesty punchline into the mix?

Spice it up?

Set the place on fire?

Add a little-- I'll stop there.

Just post a joke.


(I'm not entirely sure if this type of topic has been posted before. If it has... well... the can of worms has been reopened.)



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As for the double topics....

I don't know what happened. Shut up.

Blame on 3 o' clock in the morning!

Jeez.
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Sexist joke #1:

What's strong enough for a man but made for a woman?




The back of my hand.
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:o Oy.

Perhaps starting this topic was a bad idea.

Well... trial by error, I guess.
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What to hear a joke?



Women's rights

What is black and blue and hates sex?



A rape victim

What did the man tell his wife after marriage counseling?




Get back into the kitchen bitch

What do you do when your dishwasher stops working?




Slap her and tell her to get back to work




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maybe we should change this to "the wife abuse joke thread"
vip
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O_o

.....


*fumes*
vip
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What's the difference between an enzyme and a hormone?

You can't hear an enzyme.

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Three hicks were working on a telephone tower - Steve, Bruce and Jed. Steve falls off and is killed instantly.

As the ambulance takes the body away, Bruce says, "Someone should go and tell his wife."

Jed says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it."

Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of beer.

Bruce says, "Where did you get that, Jed?"

"Steve's wife gave it to me," Jed replies.

"That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you beer?"

Well, not exactly", Jed says. "When she answered the door, I said to her, 'You must be Steve's widow'."

She said, "No, I'm not a widow!"

And I said, "I'll bet you a case of Budweiser you are.













Gotta love jokes.comedycentral.com
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Haha, nice. Meth, you're awesome.
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For some odd reason, when I was a wee lad, I used to think that when people were "widows", it meant they married a midget.

I suppose I got widow and "Willow" confused.
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I didn't know how to spell words with a "k" in them, especially words with "kn" in them.

Seriously.
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Dknork.

Here's something funny my friend got in a fortune cookie.

"You are going to have some new clothes."

I once got "The best pleasure is self pleasure."
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Methusalen said:
What's the difference between an enzyme and a hormone?

You can't hear an enzyme.

Excellent! I'll be sure to use it so as to alienate my peers.
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An Irish man, Englishman and an American have a couple of beers on the edge of a cliff.

The American says to the Irishman, "did you know you can jump off this cliff and the thermals will blow you back up?"

Of course the Irishman doesn't believe him, so the American jumps off the cliff. Just before he hits the ground, woosh, the American glides back up to the top of the ground.

Still not convinced, the Irishman says "I want to see you do it again!". So the American jumps off, and just before he hits the rocks, woosh, he's back up on the cliff.

The Irishman thinks to himself "I gotta try this" and jumps off the cliff. He's falling, falling then splat.

The Englishman turns to the American and says " You really are a prick when you're drunk, Superman"
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There's a blonde, a red-head and a brunette on the run from the police. Just when they think they've been cornered, they spot an open door to an abandoned warehouse and they run in. When they get inside, all they see is empty burlap bags.
"Quick," the brunette yells. "The cops are coming!" They each hide in a bag and stay still.
The cops come in and after glancing around, see the three OBVIOUSLY not empty sacks. They walk up to the bag with the brunette in it and say "Let's figure out what's in this bag, let's kick it." They kick it and immediately the brunette starts meowing.
"Oh," says the cops, "this must be a bag of kittens." They go up to the next bag with the red-head in it and say "Well let's find out what's in this one, let's kick it." They kick it and immediately the red-head starts barking.
"Oh, says the cops, "this must be a bag of puppies." Finally they reach the blonde's bag and say "Last one, let's kick it to see what's inside." They immediately kick the bag.
"Potatoes."
vip
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Clemson Wedding -- A long, true story

This is a true story about a recent wedding that took place at Clemson University. This was a huge wedding with over 300 guests. After the wedding at the reception, the groom got up on stage and took the microphone to talk to the crowd. He said that he wanted to thank everyone for coming, many from long distances, to support them at their wedding. He especially wanted to thank the bride's and groom's families for coming and to thank his new father-in-law for providing such a fabulous reception. To thank everyone for coming and bringing gifts and everything, he said he wanted to give everyone a special gift from just him. Taped to the bottom of everyone's chair (even the chairs of the wedding party) was a manila envelope. He said that was his gift to everyone, and told everyone to open their envelopes.

Inside each manila envelope was an 8x10 picture of his best man having sex with the bride. (He had gotten suspicious of the two of them and hired a private detective to trail them weeks prior to the wedding.) After he stood there and watched the people's reactions for a couple of minutes, he turned to the best man and said ''F--- you !'' he then turned to the bride and said ''F--- you !'' and then he turned to the dumbfounded crowd and said..... ''Thanks, I'm out of here.''

He had the marriage annulled first thing that Monday morning. While most of us would have broken off the engagement immediately after finding out about the affair, this guy goes through with it anyway as if nothing was wrong. His revenge: 1) Making the bride's parents pay over $32,000 for a 300 guest wedding and reception. 2) Letting everyone know exactly what did happen. 3) And best of all, trashing the bride's and best man's reputations in front of all of their friends, their parents, brothers, sisters, grandparents, nieces and nephews, etc.... Ya gotta love this guy.

Again, jokes.comedycentral.com
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Methusalen said:
Clemson Wedding -- A long, true story

This is a true story about a recent wedding that took place at Clemson University. This was a huge wedding with over 300 guests. After the wedding at the reception, the groom got up on stage and took the microphone to talk to the crowd. He said that he wanted to thank everyone for coming, many from long distances, to support them at their wedding. He especially wanted to thank the bride's and groom's families for coming and to thank his new father-in-law for providing such a fabulous reception. To thank everyone for coming and bringing gifts and everything, he said he wanted to give everyone a special gift from just him. Taped to the bottom of everyone's chair (even the chairs of the wedding party) was a manila envelope. He said that was his gift to everyone, and told everyone to open their envelopes.

Inside each manila envelope was an 8x10 picture of his best man having sex with the bride. (He had gotten suspicious of the two of them and hired a private detective to trail them weeks prior to the wedding.) After he stood there and watched the people's reactions for a couple of minutes, he turned to the best man and said ''F--- you !'' he then turned to the bride and said ''F--- you !'' and then he turned to the dumbfounded crowd and said..... ''Thanks, I'm out of here.''

He had the marriage annulled first thing that Monday morning. While most of us would have broken off the engagement immediately after finding out about the affair, this guy goes through with it anyway as if nothing was wrong. His revenge: 1) Making the bride's parents pay over $32,000 for a 300 guest wedding and reception. 2) Letting everyone know exactly what did happen. 3) And best of all, trashing the bride's and best man's reputations in front of all of their friends, their parents, brothers, sisters, grandparents, nieces and nephews, etc.... Ya gotta love this guy.

Again, jokes.comedycentral.com

Thats amazing... i now worship this man!
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what did the deaf, dumb, and blind kid get for christmas?


cancer
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Did you hear about the pirate who scored 20,000 points for the Lakers? His name was Kareem Abdul JabAARRRRGGH!
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I don't get it.
vip
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Why do the ladies love Jesus so MUCH?







*holds out arms stretched out to sides*
'CAUSE HE WAS HUNG LIKE THIS!
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I usually hate these types of jokes, but...

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are on the run from the law when they find an old barn to hide out in. The police are close on their tails, so when the women find three sacks, they immediately jump into them. About a minute later, a policeman comes into the barn and sees the suspicious-looking sacks. He kicks the first one.

"Meow," says the redhead.

"It must be a cat," thinks the policeman and he kicks the second sack.

"Woof," says the brunette.

"Must be a dog," thinks the policeman and he kicks the third sack.

"Potatoes," says the blonde.
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Maybe it's my imagination, but didn't I just post that joke???
Anyway...

LOUISIANA GHOST STORY
This happened about a month ago just outside of Cocodrie, a little town in the bayou country of Louisiana , and while it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's real.


This out of state traveler was on the side of the road, hitchhiking on a real dark night in the middle of a thunderstorm. Time passed slowly and no cars went by. It was raining so hard he could hardly see his hand in front of his face.
Suddenly he saw a car moving slowly, approaching and appearing ghostlike in the rain. It slowly and silently crept toward him and stopped. Wanting a ride real bad the guy jumped in the car and closed the door; only then did he realize that there was nobody behind the wheel, and no sound of an engine to be heard over the rain. Again the car crept slowly forward and the guy was terrified, too scared to think of jumping out and running. The guy saw that the car was approaching a sharp curve and, still too scared to jump out, he started to pray and begging for his life; he was sure the ghost car would go off the road and in the bayou and he would surely drown!
But just before the curve a shadowy figure appeared at the driver's window and a hand reached in and turned the steering wheel, guiding the car safely around the bend. Then, just as silently, the hand disappeared through the window and the hitchhiker was alone again! Paralyzed with fear, the guy watched the hand reappear every time they reached a curve. Finally the guy, scared to near death, had all he could take and jumped out of the car and ran to town.
Wet and in shock, he went into a bar and voice quavering, ordered two shots of whiskey, then told everybody about his supernatural experience. A silence enveloped and everybody got goose bumps when they realized the guy was telling the truth (and not just some drunk). About half an hour later two guys walked into the bar and one says to the other, "Look Boudreaux, ders dat idiot dat rode in our car when we wuz pushin it in the rain."
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I know this is tastless but...

Why did the baby fall of the swing?
It didn't have any arms or legs

Why couldn't the baby walk through the door?
It had a javelin in its head

Why did the baby cross the road?
It was stapled to the chicken

How many babies does it take to paint a house?
Depends on how hard you throw them

What's better than ten dead babies in a bucket?
One dead baby in ten buckets

How do you fit 100 babies into a bucket?
With a blender.

What's worse than a bucket full of dead babies?
The one in the bottom is still alive

What's worse than that?
It has to eat its way out

What's worse than that?
It comes back for seconds.
vip
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I've heard another variation on the babies one before, but it was "What's worse then one baby nailed to a tree? Ten babies nailed to ten trees... What's worse than that? One baby nailed to ten trees."

Last edited by Methusalen on July 06, 2006

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Actually, thinking about it, it might have been the 'nailed to the tree' thing I had heard. I couldn't remember so I made it buckets. I just happen to have a bucket fetish.
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How do you get a hundred dead babies into a bathtub?

Blender.

How do you get them out?

Chips.
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How do you get Rahul into a car?

You throw a 12 year old girl in the backseat.
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Steve has fantasies about narngles.
vip
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Steve said:
How do you get Rahul into a car?

You throw a 12 year old girl in the backseat.

HAHAHAHAAAA love for steve...
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