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Forums / What the hell am I going to do with my life?

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...is a thought that crosses everyones mind. While the future is uncertain, I'm starting to come up with a few things I know I want to participate in. Art is the obvious one, and somewhere down the road, start my own record label and, possibly, a band. It's kind of fucked when I think about how fast life has gone, being 18 already. From being Catholic school boy, A student for the most part, on the basketball team, popular, to an atheist, misanthropist, and an artist/musician. The radically different point of view I have now compared to 4 years ago blows my mind. Now I'm dealing with the struggle of not only wondering what I'll do, but how I'll do what I want to do. I often have doubt that I'll never make something of myself and fuck everything going for me up. Then I think about quotes I've often read...

"When you begin to doubt yourself, the real world will swallow you whole"

"You've got to be very careful if you don't know where you're going, because you might not get there".

On a day to day basis, I don't just think, I dwell and obsess over how I'm going to do these things. I don't worry about it, I fucking panic. I'll probably get an ulcer amongst the cold sweats whenever I'm alone, thinking. I can't even fathom the thought of waking up every day and doing the same thing, going to a job I'll fucking hate from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., see the same mundane people who feel the same way, and allow any and all potential to go to waste for a cubicle. It's not something I want, but is that a reality I'm ultimately attempting to hide from? I don't want to wake up one day when I'm past 40, and the only thing I'll be able to say to myself is "I hate my life, I've never done anything of any worth, and I never will because I've thrown away any and all opportunities to do so. Someone, please, just fucking destroy me." I talked to my Art teacher about it. I asked her what she thought, and she told me "It won't happen if it's something you're concerned about. You will find a way to do the things you want. It will be difficult, but the time will come when you figure it out."

In a way, I can only hope she's right.

I'm done now. I needed to get it out of my system.
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you have the chance to make A LIVING OUT OF DRAWING

somehow i dont think hell have that chance



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Good point... :(
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think of it from my perspective:

The public school system practically forces knowledge down your throat so that you'll learn things at a decent rate so you can at LEAST graduate and have some way of getting a decent job in the form of a diploma. While I sit here and ponder what is to become of my life (because i am in a similar predicament with the state of my life), I am at a standstill in my studies and the prospects of graduating at all are slipping through my fingers. Getting a good job requires a diploma, something i can't get from homeschooling. This fucking freaks me out. The fact that i'm going to end up working a job i hate for horrible pay, when i know I have a shitload of wasted potential kills me... and when i'm standing on a street corner begging for change, I'll have to stop and think every day about how i did it to myself by choosing homeschooling in the first damn place...

I'd better go start studying now....
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LittleCactaur said:
think of it from my perspective:

The public school system practically forces knowledge down your throat so that you'll learn things at a decent rate so you can at LEAST graduate and have some way of getting a decent job in the form of a diploma. While I sit here and ponder what is to become of my life (because i am in a similar predicament with the state of my life), I am at a standstill in my studies and the prospects of graduating at all are slipping through my fingers. Getting a good job requires a diploma, something i can't get from homeschooling.



you can always do one year of public school and get your high school diploma, right?

you kids gotta realize that as long as you WANT something bad enough, NOTHING is gonna keep you away from it, and I speak from experience
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i realize complaining won't change a damn thing...but it's good to get things off my mind, even if it IS in text form... If things take a turn for the worse, it's nobodies fault but my own, i suppose i'll just have to deal with that or do something about it. I'll think of somethin :)
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The Raging Spaniard said:
you can always do one year of public school and get your high school diploma, right?

you kids gotta realize that as long as you WANT something bad enough, NOTHING is gonna keep you away from it, and I speak from experience



Something my sister has told me, and other people have told time and time again.

I do realize it, it's just I'm worrying about how I might come to do these things. The other thing I also need to realize is that there are going to be people (friends) to help me out, or join me on my conquest of whatever-the-fuck. Currently, and honestly, I have one friend outside of HS. That is it. I have no friends in that fucking place. NONE. No one I can rely on at all. I stayed away from becoming too close to people, since Highschool is all bullshit and fluff anyway. In college, I look to change that. Dorming with 4 other people, all who share one passion, drawing...I'm going to find other people interested in shit I'm interested in and so forth. One thing I've been thinking to myself is that there will be other people as ambitious as I am to want these things, and working together could possibly manifest some sort of positive result. Though, if you want something done right, you've got to do it yourself. BUT I WILL INFECT PEOPLE WITH MY CAUSE!

And LC, that's exactly my point. It's always easier to be (fuck you xavi), "emo", as he put it earlier. I find it therapeutic, in a sense. Bottling it up doesn't really help, there's people who feel the same way about this shit and an equal amount of people that have been around the block and have advice to impart on the sort. In a way, EVERYBODY WINS! In any case, you will figure something out, because, obviously, you're not stupid. YOU HAVE POWERS.
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so many... as in.... everybody who isn't a harvard candidate from birth with rich ass parents... and even then some of them too... feel this way starting around the end of high school and ending around 40 sometimes (hehe) its natural, nobody wants to be stuck in a job they hate, and unfortunately it happens to a lot of people, all you need is will power and to know that, even though you dont know particularly what you want to do, that you want to do something you will love. I just recently got an 8-5 job and although I always told myself I never would... it is a HUGE GIGANTIC RELIEF from working at the other places I've worked, to know I have weekeneds and evenings off is a very big break for me, not having to work till midnight (like when I was a waitress bleh)
however, I certanly do NOT intend to work here for the rest of my life... I am here while I learn bellydancing, because after years and years of changing my mind and trying ten thousand different things from Figure Skating to Karate to wanting a carrer in Radio to Photography to Game Design... this is something that has actually stuck, and something I've been doing behind the scenes of everything else to figure out what I want.
As of right now, I work at my job because it allows me nights of to go to dance class, and weekends off for shows I'm in (I'm in four! three in May one in July, she announced the new one yesterday night its so nervewracking yet exciting) I plan to travel, I plan to dance when I travel just like my old room mate's cousin did (she got paid to fly all over the world to dance, she didnt have a home to live in so when she came back here she stayed with us, but, still I just bought me a home) I plan to come back here and have kids and teach dance classes, teach my own kids how to dance (YOU BETTER DANCE)

the point is... I'm still figuring it out as I go along, and thats how things will work out for you, its scary its so fucking scary to go each day changing your mind or not having a clue, or being worried that its not exactly the right thing... just know that, if you DO get one of those 9-5 jobs, dont feel like GREAT NOW I'M STUCK NOW MY LIFE IS OVER! Just reassure yourself that this is for now, you are NEVER stuck and neither are the people who SAY they are stuck, they are just afraid so be fearless, EVERYONE has shitty jobs along the way, just try to remember the difference between job = money and job=life and you never have to stay where you are, even if you are 60 years old and decide, hey I dont wanna do this anymore... you can still go do something else... I had a 60 year old woman in one of my gen. ed. classes at the Art Institute, she was changing her life completely... some people say 'its too late for her' but why spend the rest of your years, even if theres not many left saying 'its too late i might as wel stay where i hate' or try to do something better?

everything works out in the end as long as you are fearless and take the risks and know that a job is just a job not a life... so go for it and try for anything you want dont ever think something is out of reach

....
I'm done sounding like Ms. Molly from Romper Room now...

damn I'm old
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a man much smarter than me wrote this today:

monday, 04.04.05

what im babbling about: .i reject your reality and substitute my own.
Time: 11:27 pm.
i've been through a lot of things since pat died eleven years ago. i use his death as a marker a lot, because it was a major turning point in my life - in many ways. since then, i've gone through a large number of great things, and more horrible things than i wish to remember. in these eleven years, i've learned a lot about life, its value, its preciousness, and what parts of it are really important.

for a number of years, i battled with depression. a number of doctors diagnosed me as "clinically depressed" as a result of a chemical imbalance. was i really depressed? you bet. was it a result of a chemical imbalance? who knows, but i dont think so. for a while after pat's death, i was super gung-ho regarding the sanctity of life. but then everything else started crashing down around me. i spent the next few years in a very self destructive mode.

i did things that im not proud of. i treated important people horribly. i wrote things that were 100% true and 100% from the heart. the self portrait they painted was a very dark one. that of a person who had given up all reason to live and fight to go on. at that point, the only reason i WAS still trudging along was because i once made a promise to someone very special, that i would keep on going. mounting personal problems and a number of inner demons plagued me, and i would go to bed each night hoping to never see the next day. i'd hope an oncoming car would suddenly swerve and crash into me. i didnt want to be me, and i didnt want the life i had. i really didnt want anything at all except for peace.

but things change. people change. life changes. constantly.

throughout the years, i had learned and taken to heart - the best i could - a number of small lessons about life and how to live it. but it wasnt until i met roger, rasterb8 and fireeyes that they really started to make sense. it took time, but i've learned and understand what is possibly the most important life-lesson of all - "life is what you make it."

"I like to think I'm a master of my own destiny."


like many others, i once believed that i just kept getting dealt a shitty hand, and that there wasnt much i could do about it. so i wallowed in self misery, and looked for pity. i realize now, though, that reality is 100% subjective. and more important than that, ones reality and ones life are controlled only by ones self. life may be shitty and times may be tough, but you have the power to either stick with the status quo or to do something about it.

parents giving you grief? move out.
no money to move out? get a job.
hate your job? find a new one.
cant get a good job? get an education.
cant afford an education? take a menial job and save up.

people bitch and moan that its not just that easy. you could sit there all day and come up with reasons and excuses as to why you cant change your life - but the reality is that all of those reasons and excuses are bullshit. with each tiny step forward that you take, you take control of your life and turn it into the one that you want. no ones saying it will be easy or quick, and i know that in this fast-food & broadband connection world, thats a big problem. no one but you is responsible for your life or where you are. i know a lot of people would complain that they have this issue or that issue that keeps them from getting a start. but i see people like this man who saved his paper route money as a kid, and is now a self made millionaire. or this blind man who recieved his MD. sure, you may find yourself confronted by obstacles and hurdles, but the hardest single thing most people have to do is get up off their ass. if you want it, its out there - now what are you going to do about it? make a move, or settle for a life you dont want?

people settle too often. they settle for things they dont really want. they settle into relationships they dont really want. they give up things they think they have to. sometimes you have to accept a temporary point, but theres a difference between that and settling. you want to work at ILM? you dont have to settle for working at a local 3d house, just use it as a stepping stone on your path. theres no reason you HAVE to stop. nobody is keeping you from acheiving your dreams but yourself and your own insecurities and fears.

relationships are no different. people in abusive relationships because "no one else would want me" or because "its just a thing they're going through." people who get into relationships expecting to be able to change the other person. "i dont like all these things about them, but i like this and this.. that's ok.. he'll come around eventually." why commit to someone you dont really completely want to be with? there are other people out there, just as there are other jobs, and other places to live. possibly even the exact one that you really want.

the other night, roger and i were talking. he commented on the fact that in the past few years, i seem much more at ease, more at peace. he's absolutely right. over the past few years, i've learned to eliminate sources of unnecessary stress. i dont hate less people, or hate people less than before, but i push them out of my lives. if a person brings unwarranted or excessive grief or annoyances into my life, they're out. i have friends who dont make my blood pressure rise every time i talk to them, and have no need in my life for "friends" who are nothing more than complications. im sure to some, this may seem "heartless," and thats fine. but really - its not. it's just me protecting myself and my own sanity; it's me taking responsibility and control of my own life.

thats what most people today seem to have forgotten - personal responsibility. people seem to want to blame everyone but themselves for their problems, and more importantly, they dont want to lift a finger to do something about it. its really very sad. you have to enjoy and appreciate the positive things in your life, and take control of the things you want to change.

my life is beautiful, and yours can be too. carpe vitam.
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If you know this person, please give them a big fucking hand shake for me. I think this is something I will have to save. Thanks for posting that.
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haha, actually he doesnt like me like, at all .. whihc is a shame cause hes a cool guy
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Three words for you ladies, and one gentleman:

TRUCK DRIVERS WANTED

P.S.
From being Catholic school boy, A student for the most part, on the basketball team, popular


aHAHAHAHAHAHAHahahaaHAHAHAHA.
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In grammar school, probably. The popular group hates me now, and with good cause!

Edit: I just remembered that they're having a reunion since the school is closing. This is going to be fucking fun. :mellow:
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