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Hitoshi Sakimoto and Motoi Sakuraba announce merger

  • Published at 04:11:01 PT
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Square Enix game composers Hitoshi Sakimoto and Motoi Sakuraba have announced that effective today they will be consolidating their artistic assets and merging into a single unified organism called Motoshi Sakriboto.
"In the ever changing world of videogame original soundtracks," read a financial statement released today by Square Enix game composers Hitoshi Sakimoto and Motoi Sakuraba, "the most important issue facing music composers is how quickly they can grow as the marketplace expands. Our response to this issue is the merger announced today. Together, Hitoshi Sakimoto and Motoi Sakuraba will aim as one to produce the highest-quality musical content the world has ever known, or would ever care to know."

As part of the merger agreement, shareholders of Motoi Sakuraba will receive .81 shares of Hitoshi Sakimoto stock. The two artists aim to build a world-renowned music composer that will produce 1 billion yen ($8 million) in yearly sales by fiscal 2012. An advanced neuro-melding technological procedure conducted by Brain Age neuroscientist Ryuta Kawashima has allowed the two individuals to retain their respective personalities and memories. The newly unified organism will synergistically integrate the thoughts and feelings of both composers without conflict. Nothing could possibly go wrong.

Game composers Hitoshi Sakimoto and Motoi Sakuraba, pre-merger

Before the merger, Final Fantasy XII composer Hitoshi Sakimoto commented, "Our styles are different, but our ways of thinking are the same. Sakuraba-san and I wanted to make a soundtrack that combines both our styles, and we agreed that the best way to achieve this goal is through a highly-invasive Kawashima neuro-melding operation."

Said Sakuraba, composer of Valkyrie Profile 2: Silmeria, "I will admit, at first I was wary. I wanted to know, will I retain my virtuoso piano playing skills? Sakimoto-san does not have this ability. I like to wear my hair longer than he does. He brushes his teeth up and down, while I prefer controlled circling motions. These are perhaps trivial issues, but I was concerned. Finally, after some soul searcing, I decided to go through with the merger."

Motoshi Sakriboto

Since pictures of the newly merged composer have appeared on the net, fans have expressed concern over the the amalgamated life form’s terrifying visage. Square Enix chief strategist Ichiro Otobe responded to the dismayed reaction from fans with an impromptu televised press conference. "Please give Sakriboto-san’s scar tissue time to heal," beseeched the Square Enix executive, "and I believe everyone will agree that he is every bit as attractive as the original composer… either one of them."

Sakriboto is currently composing the original soundtrack for Square Enix’s Playstation 3 title Valkyrie Tactics, a strategy RPG taking place in the mythical world of Valhalvalice. By far the most ambitious project undertaken by Square Enix, the game will contain a story mode, an online MMO, downloadable mobile content, and sudoku puzzles. The game will feature familiar heroes from the Final Fantasy series and Norse mythology, as well as popular Disney and Loony Toons characters, finally granting players the dream of fighting Sephiroth as Yosemite Sam. The project is being overseen by Square Enix Chief Executive Organism Tetsu Wadanamuno-Interactive, formerly Yoichi Wada, Tetsuya Nomura, and Buena Vista Interactive. The game is due out in Summer of 2012 in Japan.

Square Enix CEO Wadanamuno

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I lol'ed
He (?) is my new favorite composer. No contest.
I honestly believe that the last image made the article for me, not to say the rest of it was not hillarious.
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