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Crisis Core - Final Fantasy VII

Square Enix
Action RPG
Final Fantasy VII
  • March 25, 2008
  • August 2, 2007
  • 2008
A 13 total ratings
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Reaffirms my faith in God

A Crisis Core - Final Fantasy VII review Author: Wiegraf Published: May 18, 2005
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Despite the fact that I have neither played nor cared about Crisis Core, I think it is time for me to set you suspicious gamers and denizens of Square Haven to rest with this uncensored review.
(It's 100% sure to be referred to as 'vapid.' Apparently, that word is analogous to 'all-consuming orgasmic experience'.)
Crisis Core begins 5 years before the events of the actual game, Final Fantasy VII (which, incedentally, is now being retitled Final Fantasy VII: Final Fantasy VII, for its Colecovision remake). Here, a young man named Zack lives in the village of Nibelheim, oblivious to the world around him. However, his life is soon to change.
Apparently, a certain "corporation" by the name of Shinra has set in motion a plan that will lead to the destruction of the earth. However, there are only two things that stand in their way: Boredom, and Zack. Knowing this, they dispatch several companies of soldiers to destroy this young immature pointy-headed youth before he gets all uppity. Unfortunately, Zack is caught completely unaware, and is nearly killed when a large missile rips through his house. However, he then finds out that his future allies were able to send back someone to help him.
A protector.
Suddenly, a white-haired badass wearing leather skids up on his tricked-out motorcycle. He stops near Zack and remarks,
"Come with me if you want to leeehhvvve".
Following their escape, it becomes obvious: Sephiroth has been sent back in time by the Global resistance to protect Zack on his mission to destroy, Shinra. He will do this by destroying everything in his path and learning awkward catchphrases like "No problemo".
However, Shinra was also able to send back a warrior to battle the two forces of goodness. Following the destruction of Midgar, Cait Sith was captured by Shinra and augmented by horrible experiments to become the ultimate fighting machine. Now he is known as the "Deadly Kill Machine Deathdriver." Soon he is sent back to the past...and the plot really takes off from there. In fact, its so hard to explain that I'll let you just try and put together the rest of it. (Suffice to say that liquid nitrogen plays a role).
Anyway, let's look at the gameplay side of things. At first it seems like a bad idea, but the many different gametypes that are thrown together seem to come completely out of nowhere. The game has a totally new "mission" based system. Many of these missions involve doing jobs for certain members of the game's underworld. To aid you in this, you now can "jack" cars, "tag" the sides of buildings, and "Shoot" policemen, all with that Square flair. (Like that one mission where a member of a "rival gang" pulls out the Sword of Mana). Also add in the fun minigames, such as Lifting weights, playing basketball, and chocobo racing, and you have yourself a game that may have taken decades to come up with.
I think the main thing to love about Crisis Core is the intangibles it brings to the table. From the free-roaming mission\gang based structure to the storyline based on time travel, ripped dudes and world destruction, its obvious that only Square could create a game this darn wacky. However, in my dictionary, "wacky" is a synonym for "vapid." And I've believed we've covered why that is good.
This game is teh l33t.
Editor's Grade
dotted line "I will kill anyone who speaks ill of Crisis Core. And their families would do good to hide, or at least buy some kind of bulletproof material."
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Vapid Buttmunch
Square Haven V.I.P.
Member since March 18, 2004
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