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Kingdom Hearts

Action RPG
Kingdom Hearts
  • September 16, 2002
  • March 28, 2002
  • November 15, 2002
A 287 total ratings
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Et tu Brute?

A Kingdom Hearts review Author: Seiken Published: June 08, 2003
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Stab wounds are where the depth of injury is greater than the length. They penetrate more deeply than slash wounds and tend to come into contact with vital organs in the chest and abdomen.
Julius Caesar was stabbed to death by an assembly of his own peers, including the deepest wound of all, left by his longtime companion, Brutus. My situation lacks the certain poetic, Shakespearean tragedy found in Jules crazy misadventure through the scandals of old Roman politics, but its not without similarity. You see, I too was stabbed in the back. Except instead of the standard 7 inch Roman dagger, mine was roughly 5 inches . . . in diameter. And instead of bearing the symbol of the Roman Legion, it came with the Squaresoft logo on it.
Some would call the merger between Disney and Squaresoft, "a tactical and brilliant cooperative effort." I would call it a mutant. Mutants are of the sordid type, as was this digital monstrosity. I'm not out to bash Squaresoft, as I've enjoyed nearly every game of their's in the past, with the exceptions of FFV and Mystic Quest, which were clearly indolent periods in the corporation's time line. The marketing decision was brilliant; the voice acting was more than impressive; and the thousands of potential players they've reached using Disney as an outlet are sure to lend the company a firm monetary hand. That's dandy -- where do I come in?
I play games where the main character initiates heavy petting during a light swim. Where dark and appealing villains, wielding blades so over-compensating it would put a blue whale to shame, descend unexpectedly from the sky, skewering a beautiful girl right through the chest. And finally, where a gunblade toting egomaniac slashes open the forehead of the quiet fruitpie after an impressive sword fight. Its amazing how fans of such quality game play can be turned so easily. If you're drinking from a fountain and the water turns to crap, do you leave your head under it? I did, nonetheless, every time after I can't even view the title screen without a bottle of listerine and a good sized shot glass.
The ugliest feature of the game had to be the game play. The new system is real time and action packed, far from the typical turn based format. I honestly didn't think they could pull off a conversion from turn-based to real time that smoothly. Unfortunately, I was right. Granted there was a hot key option you could set to certain battle options, but not all. I found it to be a pain trying to heal the constantly dying Donald while eluding the relentless bombardments of enemies. I don't mean relentless as in persistent. I mean it in the sense of, "Christ, just fucking stop already." Three waves later, I even recall attempting to fit my head in the blender for size. The Gummi ship system could have used some work as well. In fact, I would have liked to have seen it dispersed of entirely. It was like Star Fox all over again. Except the whole polygon flight simulation kind of lost its touch after Nintendo got done abusing the hell out of it in the 90s. Not to mention, the A.I. of the cooperative characters seemed like a rendition of Corky from Life Goes On.
Usually in poor games, the story line can make up for some of it's lesser qualities. Such as in titles like FFVIII. Let me sum it up for you: three pre-schoolers decide to build a raft to travel the world, one finds out he's the key master (see chosen one, the one, hero of all time, savior, CLICHE) and embarks on an adventure to save the universe and many other universes from a million guys 10 times the size of him. Some of which manage to kick Cloud's ass, yet find defeat by your giant stupid looking blade shaped like a key. Its obvious that if Square and Disney were prison inmates, Square would be weary of dropping the soap in Disney's presence. That or they take enjoyment in making their renown main character's curl up in the fetal position and cry like babies.
I will give the sound credit. If its one thing Square knows, its how to add a decent soundtrack. With such tunes as the soft, dramatic piano melody entitled "Dearly Beloved" it gave the game more of a mature feel. Unfortunately, there were a few tracks, such as "Mickey Mouse Club March," which quickly forced entry into my brain and caused hemorrhaging. What really surprised me was the techno-esq track found during the opening sequence of the game, "HIKARI -PLANITb Remix- (Short Edit)." To be honest, techno kind of died, but it was original hearing it in a Final Fantasy type game. I thought it honestly went with the beginning nicely. There were also a few other tracks I wanted to mention, but its hard to compliment a game of this caliber.
Kingdom Hearts is a great game if you're the type of person who is moved by Elmo's lessons on tying shoes; or if you're having trouble reaching Dr. Kevorkian, it can be used as a quick substitute. Otherwise, I consider it much like FF9 with an added touch of the child-targeted Disney corporation. Since I'm not a fan of either, this has been a truly crippling process for me.
Editor's Grade
dotted line "A unique and unbiased view on the popular RPG developed by both Disney and Squaresoft. This is not a friendly review."
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Vapid Buttmunch
Member since June 08, 2003
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